Transformation

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Transformation will not always cause healing,
but healing will always cause transformation.

Therefore,

It is important to become sensitive to your own thoughts and emotions.
Your thoughts and emotions determine the values you are or are not capable of embodying.

Example: If I, consciously or subconsciously, tell myself I am worthless, then I make myself incapable of embodying worth.

Because what you look at is what you’ll see. If you’re occupied with worthlessness, your mind is predisposed to find ways which support or back-up those feelings.

It’s like believing something…anything, then not being able to put it into words.  You look around (either in the world around you or in your own mind) and see that belief in an actualized form (a person, situation, story-of-the-self) and after seeing it, you say to yourself, “Yep, that’s what I thought. I’m worthless. Point made.”

Thoughts can be very hungry. They are always looking for food to sustain them. Good thoughts and bad thoughts. It does not matter. They are looking for reflections of themselves to eat. Validation.

However,

If you are embodying values which do not jive with your essence, then there is a discrepancy between inside life and outside life.

Example: You pursue things that to you possess worth (relationships, career, religion, spirituality, volunteer-work) yet there’s still this nagging suspicion you’re unworthy.

Something’s not being addressed. Something at your core needs your attention. There is distance between you as the Experiencer and Experience itself.

This distance allows space for judgement to live.
Judgement permisses violence.
Violence cuts off from connection.

Lack of connection leads to lack of sensitivity.
Lack of sensitivity leads to lack of empathy.

Empathy toward others requires sensitivity towards oneself.
Sensitivity towards oneself requires self-love.

To have connection with yourself means living in an awake state of mind.
To be awake one must not be asleep.
To be asleep means to miss out on one’s own life.

Not testing your own beliefs and values does not guarantee a pain-free life.
Yet if your values and beliefs are tested, there can begin a process of healing.

Where there is healing, there is transformation.

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Permission

The neighbor builds something in his garage and
I’m propped in my bed like a patient
Who has checked herself into the hospital

I gave myself permission this morning
To see people clinging to leaves
To hear monsters crawling under the house

To be weird and far out there, after all, I’ve earned it,
Working in an office–sit down, do the work
No complaints, no acknowledgment of sacrifice.

Then I moved to the forests in Sonoma
That’s where I lost my arms…they fell off from takeoff.

Flew high on divine power…still yearn for it
Then crashed…Made myself quit the hits
And then had two years of spiritual sobriety

most boring fucking time of my life

I want it back so badly
the bliss of knowing unknown…of letting go to the other realms
But I lost myself in the name of “spirituality.”

I spent those three years
Asleep and under a spell.

It’s different now.

I want to let go and be myself
Not let go and lose myself

I am a warrior fighting to keep herself sane
It’s another adventure.

I think I’ll spend the day being my weird self…
And then the next day still being my odd self…
No one will know. Everyone is too busy
Thinking and worrying about things
They don’t need to be thinking and worrying about.

Joy for Joy!!!

Monday, April 15, 2013
Sonoma County, CA
This morning’s very cold. There was a strong wind coming from the ocean yesterday and it has made the day and the days to come, very cool.

This morning I awoke from a very pleasant dream in which I was a dog. I was chasing shadows on the pond at the house in Indiana where I grew up.

One particular shadow looked like a cow but it was moving like a car on the surface of the water. I felt fear that the shadow would cross into my territory and I felt excitement to have something to chase. The shadow travelled on as if I were nothing, chasing and barking at it.

Then, it was gone and I turned around and there was another dog and I tingled all over my body with this feeling: Joy for Joy!!! Joy for Joy!!!!

And the other dog responded in the same way: Joy for Joy!!!! Joy for Joy!!!!

It was like living completely in the moment and not judging it at all. It was joyful to chase the shadow and joyful to see the shadow appear and d i  s   a    p     p      e       a

Bodh Gaya, India

February 3, 2013
The World Peace Ceremony.

As things often do, it comes down to the people. Religion has always been more about people than Gods or Buddhas.

Where time does not exist there is a devotion to the human experience.

Spirituality–really witnessing and experiencing it–happens when there is a transcending quality of energy among or surrounding or integrated into the world of normality.

The World Peace Ceremony is the ultimate spiritual high. And I think I’m addicted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dreams

May 26, 2010

Two dreams last night. Both court dreams.

The first dream there was a man who had cut up a deer very badly and had gotten something out of the deer’s flesh that was illegal and immoral. Actually, I think the evidence was found for this one. He had greasy hair and eyebrows which proved that he did it.

The second dream was the actor Andy Serkis but he was dressed as Rigo from Little Dorrit. He did something bad and seduced Jane Austen’s Emma from the most recent film. She found the evidence in his glass eye. It was a glass orb that had water in it. It looked like the bottom of the ocean floor. And floating among the coral was a sewing pin.

July 2010

My mom had written a speech for a little boy’s funeral. There was a dental circumstance. I think the boy had wanted to be a dentist. Anyway, I wrote down what my mom said for the speech. During the funeral, I was the one who got up and gave the speech. But the paper had turned into a wooden scroll of some kind made up of numerous, beautiful wooden beads. I didn’t know what meant what. I said whatever I could think of: “Hide in the beautiful box where love and hate and life rest.”